Five days before the death of my
mother, the Lord had an important lesson to teach me. He brings my mind back
continually to this day as I pray and attempt to understand what his plans are
for our family.
On a foggy Wednesday morning with
glimpses of sun pouring through the clouds, I set out to drive my children,
along with my son’s friend, to the Houston Science Museum. In order to arrive
at our destination on time, it was imperative that we take the HOV lane to
avoid the morning rush hour traffic. I am not one for traveling downtown
because the challenge of Houston highways and bumper-to-bumper traffic always
re-introduce me to anxiety, frustration, and stress which I’d like to avoid as
much as possible. However, I had no choice this particular morning due to a
scheduled class that my son was enrolled.
As we piled
into the car and began our journey downtown, in the back of my mind I knew the
HOV lane entrance was a bit obscure, and knowing the importance of taking the
express lane, I began petitioning the Lord, “Please don’t let me miss the
entrance. Please don’t let me miss it!” As I was reciting my request and
drawing closer to where the entry point should be, my eyes were searching
frantically for the entrance, when about that time my daughter and I realized
the entrance we needed lay on the other side of a concrete barrier. I had
missed the entrance. My stomach immediately twisted into a stress-filled knot,
as anxiety flooded my spirit. I asked my daughter to look at Google Maps to
hopefully deny my dreaded fear that I couldn’t stay on I45 and make it downtown
on time. Of course my suspected dismay was confirmed, and the map suggested an
alternative route. Having no other choice, I took the recommended exit and
asked the Lord to guide us safely to our destination.
Since I’m not originally
from the Houston area, (and I’ve shrugged off my husband’s attempts at
explaining the multiple highways), I didn’t know the suggested route would have
us traverse through areas I prefer only to hear of on the Houston evening news!
As I came to the realization that we were not actually driving through what I’d
deem as “safe” neighborhoods, considering the bars on the windows of businesses
and homes, it only served to solidify the knot in my stomach. Since my initial
prayer was not answered in the affirmative, my next prayer was, “Lord, please
don’t let my van break down,” which I can gloriously report that He did answer
with a resounding, “Yes!”
As we continued
on our new suggested course, my oldest daughter was co-piloting our excursion
to keep me on our new route. This was a double-edged sword. I needed her guidance;
however, she feeds off my anxiety (which I’m none too quiet about), thus leading
us to grumble with one another thereby adding to the ever-growing knot in my
stomach. Not being familiar with the route, I didn’t want to miss a turn, but
remember the fog I mentioned? Of course it blanketed heavily closest to the
roads on which I needed to turn! It was at this point the Lord whispered to my
spirit, “Trust me when you don’t understand why and you can’t see your way.”
Little did I know at the time that a short 5 days later my life would be
changed forever at the sudden passing of my mother, and how much I would need to
rely on this lesson from the Lord.
It’s been one
month today that I received the difficult phone call from my aunt informing me
of my mother’s passing from this life. As I’ve journeyed through these weeks,
I’ve prayed, doubted, questioned, petitioned, and lamented, crying out to the
Lord for comfort, grace, his plans, and renewed joy. As a major prayer (to live
closer to my brother and father) has continued to receive a “no” from the Lord,
I felt deep disappointment in addition to my grief. It was then that I came across
a profound statement in Vaneetha Risner’s book, The Scars
That Have Shaped Me, which said, “We want grace that delivers, but
often overlook the grace that sustains.” I sat pondering this thought
questioning myself. Have I made an idol out of deliverance while scorning God’s
daily sustaining grace? Have I somehow disfigured the gift of sustaining grace
as “merely getting by?”
We say that we
want lives full of meaning and depth. Lives that are marked by fruitful growth,
but in order for fruit to grow abundantly, rain is needed. Reformed,
evangelical theologian D.A. Carson writes, “One of the things held out to
grieving or suffering believers is the prospect of being more fruitful than
they could ever have imagined.” Most of us long prefer sitting by the beach
soaking up the rays over rain filled, umbrella carrying days; however, the
spiritual growth that we deeply desire doesn’t come through sun soaked relaxing
days, it’s cultivated in the down pours of anguish and grief. God has a greater
purpose for my sorrow than I can perceive, and nothing else on earth can change
our hearts like suffering. God allows affliction in our lives to draw us closer
to himself while promoting compassion, wisdom, love, and kindness in our hearts
towards others.
In the early
morning of March 27, 2017 several hours before I’d learn of my mother’s death,
I wrote in my journal, “Lord, I say it’s my heart’s desire to glorify you, but
what I see revealed is often to the contrary. Rid me, Father, of my selfish,
one-sided desires and fill my heart with selflessness, humility, and a
willingness to bear all things in love. Take my self-centeredness, intolerance,
and irritability, and turn them into kindness, patience, and love. Help me not
to give into the weight of stress and panic. Free me from burdens I place on
myself that you never gave me. I want to be the healthiest version of
myself-physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Show me the way. Let me not
have a defensive, self-protective spirit, but trust you are enough-enough in me
in every circumstance. I need your love to heal me in areas I don’t even
realize need healing.” Little did I know God would begin answering my prayer
through the death of my mother. Death has a way of re-framing our perspective
which allows us to perceive life through a different lens. I wonder if I would
have prayed this prayer knowing how He would answer. Honestly? Probably not.
But, his response to our prayers, despite whether answered in a way we desire,
are always for our good and ultimately for his glory.
Life continues differently
after the death of a loved one. After the initial condolences by friends,
you’re left alone to contemplate, grieve, and heal. As the days continue to
pass, and God continues his work of healing and growth; there are times when I
am desperate to sense his presence, but simply don’t. It is in these moments
when I can’t feel God’s presence that I must trust his promises. He is doing a
deeper work than I can imagine according to Philippians 1:6 NASB, “For I am
confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect
it until the day of Christ Jesus.” I will continue to trust him when I don’t
understand and I can’t see my way.
