In My Mother's Eyes

On March 27, 2017 my mother passed away unexpectedly. In keeping with her life of giving, upon her death her corneas were donated. I’ve often wondered about the older woman who now continues to see through my mother’s eyes. I’ve written a poem that might portray what my mother’s eyes are rejoicing to see in heaven, yet continue to see on the earth.

                                            In My Mother’s Eyes

In my mother’s eyes the essence of beauty is reflected,

while on earth she’s still connected.

My mother’s eyes gaze upon streets of gold,

 and apostles and prophets of old.

Do my mother’s eyes still see purple mountains majesty?

Do they often moisten at life’s tragedy’s?

My mother’s eyes have seen angels, and know them to be true;

all the while gazing through the window at birds that flew.

My mother’s eyes have seen God’s glory,

while helping another woman see the rest of her life’s story.

My mother’s eyes transfix on costly stones,

yet gaze in wonder at instrument’s glorious tones.

My mother’s eyes have seen again loved ones she once knew,

and yet another enjoys the beauty of grandbaby number two!

My mother dreamt of cobalt blues,
and today she gazes upon heavenly hues.

My mother’s eyes behold heavenly things,

whilst another mother enjoys God’s created beings.

On a crisp September day, my mother’s blue eyes lit up the room

as she gazed adoringly at her handsome groom.

And one day when your life on earth is through,

my mother’s eyes will twinkle as she

gazes lovingly at you.

When the aged eyes close for the final time,

and a heavenly chorus chimes,

my mother’s eyes will see the reflection of the face that

continued seeing through the gift of God’s grace.

And So the Adventure Begins...

On my final Monday morning in Houston, I gaze around my empty living room, and thank God for the wonderful memories we have made in this home. Tomorrow the movers will arrive drawing our time in Houston to a close, and a new chapter in our family story will begin.

Although I’m looking forward to moving to the Texas Hill Country (unlike most people I actually enjoy moving), I feel somewhat emotional, and I begin wrestling with my feelings. I fight to believe how quickly the years have passed, and that we now have two teenage daughters and a “tween” young man. While I have grown accustomed to moving every two-three years (Houston has been our longest stint at 4 years), I want to be sensitive to the fact that new beginnings have many exciting aspects; however, they also can be difficult, especially for kids. Our children have been through several military moves, but they’re older now, so moving has bigger implications in each of their lives. Saying tearful goodbyes to close friends are heart wrenching not only for them, but as a watchful mother as well. A wave of apprehension grips my heart. Did we make the right choice? Did we allow discontent to drive our decision? Should we have stayed? Did we pray enough? But then my heart is quieted, remembering the sovereignty of God, and the truthfulness of the Word, “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps” (Proverbs 16:9 ESV). We are on his path, and it's a path we’ve been seeking prayerfully for the last two years.

Immense changes are coming in the next couple of weeks. Moving to the beautiful Texas Hill Country, Lenny will begin a new job, we’ll begin searching for a new church family, and our daughters will walk through the doors of San Marcos Academy to continue their academic careers beyond the scope of the homeschool classroom they’ve always known. I’m excited for this opportunity that God has laid before them, but I guess I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say my heart is a bit torn at the fact our time together learning at home has drawn to a close. I didn’t realize as we closed the last book of their 7^th and 9^th grade years that they would be embarking on a whole new adventure next fall. God has been abundantly gracious in the years he has given me to nurture and teach my children at home. I cherish the time, memories, and countless conversations. I’m thankful for the laid back pajama days as well as the friends we’ve met along the way. Time indeed passes quickly. I remember well our first year of homeschooling as I nervously launched on this somewhat crazy notion to educate my children at home. Armed with Deuteronomy 6:4-6, Abeka curriculum, and an adorably decorated classroom, we set to work! Even when you’re unsure of your steps, we can rest assured in the One who ordained them. He has been abundantly faithful through nine years of homeschooling, and I’m confident that his faithfulness will continue in our move to San Marcos. I’m excited to explore new places with my family, become involved at San Marcos Academy, make new friends, and enjoy the open door(s) God has in store for us. And so the adventure begins… 

Risk Taker

Would you consider yourself a risk taker? I wouldn't. I've always regarded myself as a "safety girl," preferring options with as close to a guaranteed outcome of little to no loss as I can get.  The gut honest truth is: I like my comfortable life. In fact, I probably like it a little too much. I live what millions would consider the "American Dream." I may not have a white picket fence around my home, but during my married life we've always had a steady source of income that's afforded us nice homes, amenities, a well-stocked pantry, closets of clothing, two vehicles, and the ability to extend generosity to others in their time of need. All of this so called "stability" recently came crashing down with one open door, and our decision to step out in faith and take a risk. 

For the past two years my husband and I have been praying for God to open a door for us to move away from the fast paced city life of Houston, TX.  Being a retired military family who is used to moving every couple of years, we quickly grew restless with the craziness of city life, resenting every agonizing moment spent in traffic, and lamenting the simpler country lifestyle we left behind. This is not to say we didn't have great things going for us in Houston. My husband worked for one of the best school districts in the area, and was well-regarded by his boss, peers, and students. We had a great homeschool community that provided excellent resources for our children. We even have family in the area; however, in the four years we've lived here, we lacked for close connections, and never really felt "at home." This feeling of discontent didn't appear to be a fleeting emotion no matter how many times I brought it to the Lord in prayer. My husband and I agreed, Houston wasn't the place the Lord was calling us to stay, but where was He calling us to go?

We began praying and seeking possible job opportunities, but for two years we ran into road blocks and the right opportunity didn't seem to reveal itself. In May, my husband stumbled across a listing for a JROTC position at San Marcos Academy in San Marcos, TX, and decided immediately to apply. (If you're familiar with the beauty of the Texas Hill Country, you know exactly why he jumped at the opportunity, not to mention is was a Christian school)! However, with this opportunity came risk. We knew if offered the job we'd lose a significant chunk of our income. Was it worth it? Was God really calling us to go? Do we really have faith that God will provide, or do we just offer lip service to the idea? This open door was about to put our faith to the test, and reveal the idols of my heart. 

My husband interviewed, and was offered the position. We had already been in prayer concerning God's direction for our family, and although we can't say we had supernatural indicators for accepting the job, we did feel that we had prayed for wisdom and discernment, and choosing to say yes to this opportunity felt more alive than the safety of no. Stepping out in faith means being willing to leave idols behind.

Five days after my husband submitted an early resignation (allowing the district ample time to find his replacement without leaving them with a simple two week notice and no instructor to begin the new school year), he received a phone call advising him that his contract would be terminated effective by the end of the week. So, right off the bat our faith is being put to the test! Termination means no paychecks for the next month and a half until he starts his new job, and oh by the way, we had just signed a contract on a new home in San Marcos. Buying a home and being unemployed don't exactly go hand in hand. 

So, we began to tighten our financial buckle in an attempt to stretch our final paycheck as far as it would go. Adjusting our grocery budget is something I had never had to do, and frankly, my flesh was screaming for ice cream, chips, and anything not deemed "necessary." We already had tickets to attend the Father's Day Astros game with my dad, but saying no to all things ballpark related revealed the ugliness of idolization in my heart. The immature, entitled part of me was demanding ball park foods: hotdogs, cotton candy, peanuts, soda (how can you enjoy a game without such things)? It was then that I realized I wasn't content with just being. Being with my family and being thankful for what I did have:  a ticket to the game, spending Father's Day with my dad, and being surrounded by my family and screaming fans.

Two weeks later, just when we thought the move would transition smoothly, we lost the contract on our home. The potential buyers got cold feet and walked. So, our faith is once more being tested. I am absolutely confident we are walking in the will of God because the opposition is fierce. Although I struggle with "counting it all joy when I face trials of various kinds" (James 1:2), I am certain God will see us through even though I can't see the way. There is a thrill knowing God is directing our steps, and is in sovereign control of our situations, even those situations that we find disappointing. The thing is, we can't learn to trust God without risk, uncertainty, humility, and vulnerability. 

Although we are in the middle of a storm, and we can't see how the difficulties we're facing will turn out, we can rest in the fact God is strengthening our faith and teaching us to trust in him alone. He is our provider-not the school district and not the potential buyers, and he will work "all things out for our good" (Romans 8:28). Here is what I'm most excited about-all of this struggle means Satan is trying his hardest to keep us from moving and to lose faith. Why? When God opens doors, it is not solely for the benefit of those to whom it was open. The benefit is for those we will meet along the journey. For those we can share our story to encourage them along in theirs. It's for those who need to hear the gospel to whom we are being sent. It is for God's glory and our sanctification.